I have gone my entire life unable to ask for help. I have never needed to ask for help in school because it came so easily to me. With sports I knew that perfect practice would make perfect, or at least better. I have been trying to psychoanalyze myself since I was aware that “myself,” existed and then I would fix whatever problem I decided I had. It is like I am physically unable to ask for help. I’ll ask your opinion on what to do in a relationship, borrow fifty dollars, and bum a ride to work while my life burns to the ground around me. I am a strong independent woman who would rather fall to her death than admit I need a parachute.
This is hard for me. I feel as though my soul has been shattered to a million tiny pieces and then half of those pieces fell through a crack in the floor. Even as I am picking up the pieces more keep falling. This is only remotely related to my actual service here in Panama with Peace Corps and hugely related to a couple unfortunate events.
Unfortunately even though I am trying my hardest to be less proud, I am too proud to admit to what I am going through to almost anybody. So what even is the point of this blog?
Firstly, I want to say that I am sorry. I have been on edge, short tempered, and at times almost completely disconnected with reality lately. I am sorry if this has affected any interaction we have had in a negative way.
Secondly, I want to thank those people who forgive me for above mentioned transgressions and ask for your continued patience with me. Please call me out if I act like an asshole.
Lastly, I want to assure everyone that I have sought the help I realized I needed and am working on feeling like myself again. Please do not concern yourself with me, I’m doing fine. It’s like I blew a tire and kept driving on it until recently. I just realized it’s safer and more effective to stop and repair the tire rather than to continue driving like nothing happened.
I am truly lucky to have the friends and family that I do, and I would not trade any of you for anybody else, unless of course anybody on the USWNT is seeking new friends. Thanks so much and I promise a fun blog post soon. Life is beautiful even though maybe some parts are a little fucked up. I’ll spare you all the metaphor of life and a river, because I’m sure you’ve heard it from me before.
And I’ll leave you all with a great moment in my service here in New Town. I recently shaved part of my head in celebration or support or excitement for the huge human rights victory in the USA, nice work SCOTUS, and my ten year old neighbor asked me about it. I explained the fight for equality in marriage and how people are sometimes dehumanized because of who they love. I asked her if she would love her nephew less if she found out he loved a boy. We talked for a long time. I was very nervous because my town is extremely evangelical, but after about an hour of playing “trio pair” and discussing human rights, she told me that people should marry whoever they want, but maybe they shouldn’t get such silly haircuts.
No comments:
Post a Comment