Studying the overwhelming large array of deodorant at target, one lasts 24 hours, another 36, a different one promises bursts of fragrance every 6 hours, and another will release more odor fighting chemicals every time your arm moves further than 20 degrees, I find myself questioning the deodorant I've trusted for so long. Outside the snow forms blanket after blanket on the frozen earth temporarily making Flint, Michigan appear a little less dirty and a little more hazardous for Target's late night shoppers on their drive home, I try to imagine what Panamá will be like and in turn how it will affect my deodorant preference, but I can't, probably because I didn't read more than one lousy Wikipedia article on the subject and to be honest I just skimmed it while studying important articles on Buzzfeed about cats falling off of things or cats pushing things off of other things.
When I joined Peace Corps, I had a feeling it was going to be something that changed my life and deoderant preferences, but I couldn't begin to fathom how. I eventually elected to go with the deodorant I've trusted for so long, maybe it was sentimental, maybe it was defeat, more than likely I was finally overcome by a sense of urgency, a realization that my flight was in eight hours, the roads were nearly impassable, and my bags weren't packed. In a manner typical to my life philosophy, I had chosen to put off packing for the next 27 months of my life until the last possible moment. They told me to have no expectations, I succeeded.
The next morning, my dad drove me to the airport. I left my bed in a state of just slept in, clothes on the floor, and I probably left the toilet running, like I always do (according to pops) because I didn't jiggle the handle, you think that as a plumber he would have a toilet that functioned imaculately. Leaving for twenty seven months was just as casual for me as leaving for work, but I had more stuff to carry, and I could not bike there.
They said that Peace Corps service can be and for a lot of volunteers is a pivotal moment in a persons life, it changes you. They are right, whoever they are. Maybe I didn't realize when I got on that plane in Detroit just how pivotal it would be for me, but these last 21 months have been truly life changing, defining really.
I recently got a tattoo in the lobby of a hostel in Panama City. I decided to get it and drew the tattoo maybe a week before I got it. It was impulsive, maybe, but when am I not? The tattoo is a simple three letter Spanish word, sea (Say-uh), it is a form of the word ser a verb meaning to be. When it is conjugated as sea it can be a command, "Sea un adulto!" which would translate to "Be an adult!" It can also signify uncertainty. The power of this word really struck me (In English and Spanish). I got because I had felt in the moment and for a while before and a little bit still that I had and have no control of my life. At the time, I was also feeling a lot of pressure from myslef to figure out who I am, how to be a good volunteer, friend, sister, daughter, person, and who I want to be. And also what seemed like pressure from every other direction that I was unable to rise to. I couldn't deal with it. So the tattoo serves a reminder that above all else what is most important is just to be sin pensar. Sea, pues. A reminder to accept the chaos and stay true to myself, to not to obsess so much over the future, that I forget to live the present. Que sera, sera pero, ya seas tu mismo (feel free to critique my campo Spanish).
When I look back at what I've gone through and how I have changed since the day I awkwardly hugged my dad in the airport, not knowing how to say #seeyouin2 elequently, and I set off to accomplish what I always said I would, I can hardly believe it. Ive been through some shit. I left the United States twenty one months ago straight (although dating a girl), with very low Spanish, and absolutely no idea what to do with my life, off to save the world. Panama would change all of that and more.
While in Panamá I found the confidence I needed and maybe also the perfect distraction or ideal way to dodge awkward questions to come (mostly) out as pansexual. Does anybody know if my dad knows, cause I sure havent mentioned it yet. And after having what I realize was the most healthy and equitable relationship (long distance even) I had ever had in my entire life with a truly wonderful girl, my ideals on the importance and value of commited relationships have been dramatically altered. And my understanding of love, completely redefined. It is not even just that I discovered or have accepted my personal sexuality. I can honestly say that I feel pride in myself and in the whole lgbtq community. Sea queer.
Y también es que ya hablo Español mucho mas mejor que antes. Bueno, no es perfecto pero es algo. My whole fucking life I have been extremely proud of my Latino roots. I wore and wear the last name Chavez like a badge of honor. But the pride I have now that I speak my language is overwhelming. While Panamá is no México it is still Latin America and being here makes me feel closer to my heritage then ever before. And I've wanted to speak Spanish my entire life and after casi two years its finally something I can do, a language opens up the understanding of culture like nothing else. Sea Bilingual. Sea Latina.
And maybe the most significant change or just the most recent is that I feel that I have finally decided what I want to do with my life at least for the foreseeable future. It's something I have thought of in the past but have never been a hundred percent set on and although I could never be a hundred percent on anything, the only way I can describe how I feel when I think about myself working this job is estatic, not happy, not very happy. I feel estatic, in a state of ecstasy. After COS I plan on starting a law enforcement class in August to obtain a NPS/FLETC SLETP certification (How's this for suspense eh?). I need that smattering of accronyms to be able to get a job with The National Park Service as a backcountry ranger. A job where I can be where I feel the most sane, the woods, mountains, wilderness, and work to protect them. Sea a park ranger.
I have definitly experienced other changes both small and large en mi vida since starting Peace Corps, changes in my values, beliefs, my confidence, deoderant preference. There is no way that I am the same person that showed up to staging 21 months ago unaware that Peace Corps was a governement agency. And Maybe I do not have total control of my life yet, it still seems like one thing goes wrong after the other sometimes, but when things go right its the same, and maybe I have yet to figure out how to be an amazing person, PCV, girlfriend, daughter, or friend, but, hey, I seem to be doing somethings right. And what I'm learning is most important is just to be. Who the office expects me to be is different from what my community expects, what people in the states expect, what cab drivers expect, what friends expect, what my cat expects and my own expectations are different still, but in verdad, even if I live up to some of those expectations, none of those things are who I AM. And who I am is something I can probably never fully understand ir describe without sounding like the end of The Breakfast Club. We are all so many things smushed together and for some reason it works, we spend so much time obessesing over it that sometimes we let it overwhelm us. It's good to be aware of the roles you play, we even teach that to kids in Panama during Elige tu Vida workshops, but it is not ideal to obsess over them to the point that you quit filling some or all of them. Sea pues.
I know this blog has been largely philosophical and abstract lately under the ruse of being about Panama, but writing about events, to me, is tedious and it is hard to motivate myself to do it, it just is not my jam. Like, I did a thing it happened and I prolly posted pics on Instagram or Facebook, so like, dale pa' allá pues.
And finally shout out to the literal overwhelming amount of support I have felt from the states, the letters, packages, and facebook messages are amazing. And the visits! I am floored by all the people who treked down here and let me drag them around Panama with little regard to their saftey, you guys are all stars. It is easy to let yourself feel alone in the world until you get a bundle of six letters, five pounds of Almonds, countless kind words, or a hug from a long missed friend. The next six months are going to fly for me, i've got a lot planned both in and out of site, I even got a grant to burn some trash ya'll, maybe I'll write about it! Maybe.
#seeyouin6 (April)
